Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Pirate Story Hour

Once upon a time (but not so very long ago as you might think) there was a girl named Paddraigin Ktothayle. Now nobody could pronounce this girl's name, so they mostly just called her "hey you" or "you. with all the hair". Now this girl was working as a shop assistant, and was entirely miserable because of it. Of course she always greeted the customers with a smile and a nice little chat, but she longed for something which she could not define.
Now one day our girl was toiling away in this shop when someone she had never seen before came crashing through the door. he was dark and mysterious in a not-at-all-unattractive fashion, and was wearing a strange outfit which she was entirely unfamiliar with.

Audience interjection: Ooh! Mystery and Outfits!

(Now, you and I know that this was the infamous Captain Cwruidth of the dread ship "Seventeen," a pirate of the blackest reputation, but she did not travel in circles where such things were spoken of)

Audience: Oooh!

So the girl merrily prattled away, talking about the weather, the shop and anything else her mind settled upon. Except of course gossip, which you will recall she had no use for... As she did this the Captain stalked about, gathering supplies for his ship (which was hidden in a cove nearby).
Then, all at once, a man burst through the doors. Brandishing a pistol with a crazed look glinting in his eyes, he screamed at the girl to open the till and empty the contents into his waiting pockets. The Captain, not wanting any trouble during his brief time in port, was trying his best to be unobtrusive. He felt certain that she would hand over the money without any fuss.

(nothing could have prepared him for what happened next...)

Audience: Eep! Whatever did she do!?

Bending down slowly, her hand found the solid metal handle of the tillbox. And without warning... KLANG! She swung it up and connected squarely with the side of the robber's head. As he reeled, she brought it down on top of his head so hard that coins seemed to explode from within the box. He fell, and as he turned back from grabbing his pistol from the floor, he realized too late that she had already found her weapon.

Audience: Gasp!

An enormous pitchfork (one of the shop's many wares) skewered his flesh and pinned him to the surface on which he lay and as he died, the last thing he saw was her sweet face peering down at him.
After a bloody moment's pause, the stranger stepped out from the shadowed corner. "I am the Fel Captain Cwruidth, Pirate of a Reputation Most Black. I am the most feared man on land or sea and I captain a ship of the most bloodthirsty, ruthless and dangerous men alive. And that" he said, pointing to the biological mess on the ground "was my first mate. I have never seen a more wicked man in all my days... and you felled him with a pitchfork and arms like angelhair pasta."

Audience: Indeed! I quite recall saying just that!

The pirate removed his hat with a reverent expression on his face and bowed his head to his friend the Ex-Pirate. Then, he extended a (rather large) hand to the girl, saying "Since you got the best of James the Cleaver, you are now my new first mate. What is your name, praytell?"

(he actually phrased it in much rougher terms than that, but he was indeed a pirate so we have no recourse but to forgive him his tongue)

Audience: Well naturally! When i said i recalled saying JUST that, i surely meant that i recalled saying words to JUST that effect!!

Well, when she rattled off her name, he turned three shades of vermillion and even puce as well. "There can only be one sailor aboard with a gaelic name, and that is damn well going to be me. Any more would be bad luck and a nuisance to boot. So... we'll call you Shrike, after the cruelest and most vile songbird to ever grace the skies."
And Shrike (for Shrike she was) grinned carnivorously in agreement. So together they quickly liberated a few more things from the shop (useful things like sealing wax and biscuts along with a few wicked looking knives) and made it back to the cove just before the law enforcement did.

Audience: Huzzah! Stickin it to the man!

The sea spray rose to meet them, the sails filled and as they moved out of the cove Shrike was introduced to a very suspicious crew. They were all for throwing her overboard but for two things. One was that she was covered in blood and glaring most terribly, and the other was that the Captain insisted that she wouldn't be bad luck, for she wasn't actually a girl. She was a girl, he said with a grin, but only in the ways that matter the most. He laughed heartily at that, but was met with blank stares from his crew.
And as the ship disappeared in the distance, back in the cove they could still hear the Captain's laughter echoing off the wet stone walls.

And that is the story of How Shrike Became Cwruidth's First Mate.

Special disclaimer should be made that these characters are fictional, and that any resemblance to people, living or dead, is possibly coincidental.


Blogger the Razorclown said...

this smells of a long, laughter-filled conversation at some table in the ARC cafeteria or the like.

((somehow, i can picture myself as a chaplain of sorts. mostly just standing there, leaning hopelessly against the rail, saying, "stop that," repeatedly, in as hopeless a tone as can be.))

11:29 PM  
Blogger Third said...

That's sort of funny, because Chappies are one of the most respected officers that there are. It's easier to take orders from a Chaplain than from anyone else, because a Chaplain's being paid to be your friend...
Hopeless isn't a word a Chaplain even knows...

2:35 AM  
Blogger the Razorclown said...

*scratches chin thoughtfully*

Do tell.

12:54 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home